As of late I have been toying with the idea of starting therapy. Why….well I feel there are a lot of past traumas that still hold me back.

It’s hard to talk about stuff that happened in the past or even currently with those around me. Everyone has their own ideals of what they feel transpired during these times. Are they wrong…am I?

In the moments where I did express my thoughts or my feelings about situations that arose, it was met with anger, it was met with that I was overthinking or that was not what happened. So, I learned to shut down, to not express what I was thinking or how I was feeling when things happened. Which honestly is not healthy, I am entitled to my own feelings and thoughts.

I like to say often that if I truly expressed what I was thinking or feeling at any particular moment, people would not like me very much. I am sick of walking on eggshells with those around me. I’ve been doing it for so long that I feel exhausted most days. Exhausted from keeping up the facade or trying to fade into the background, so as not to be seen.

I want to be seen, I want to be heard, and I want to feel that my thoughts and feelings are valid. If everyone else’s thoughts and feelings are valid, then so are mine.

They say there is always two sides to every story, but in my life in all the instances it seemed like there was only ever one side and it was never mine.

Imagine if most of your life someone always took the other person’s side or their own. How would you feel?

Anyone else feeling like their holiday spirit is waning over the years? I feel with each year my Holiday spirit, gets less and less. I’ve especially felt it this year.

I used to love Christmas, the decorations, the music, the act of giving gifts. Every year the Christmas tree would be put up the day after Thanksgiving. It was my favorite thing to do. This year, I haven’t even put the tree up. Honestly, I am not sure if I will or won’t.

I can remember growing up, we all used to pile in the car as a family and drive around to look at the decorations that people put up, it was especially impressive when you would drive down Jefferson and see all the big houses covered in Christmas lights.

The ugliness that I see in the World over the years during this time has jaded me. It’s the heaviness that presses down on that spirit not allowing it to come to the surface.

Christmastime used to be about coming together and showing common human decency to one another, but I have not seen a lot of that going around. These days people are about being divided and treating others horribly.

We have no idea what another person is going through in life and even if the only thing we can give is smile, maybe that makes all the difference to that person.

My Christmas wish this year is that we all start being a little kinder to one another and maybe in seeing some of that kindness, I will slowly regain some of the Christmas spirit that was lost over the years.

This post is a bit different than previous posts. When I was going through and purging stuff from my life, I came across poetry and some short stories that I had written in the past. I transferred them all to my computer for safe keeping but thought I would share one.

It wasn’t dated, so I have no idea when it was written. I am hoping that in sharing that it will encourage me to do more writing.

Cinderella didn’t want to go to the ball at the Castle. Her stepsisters were so excited. They had not stopped talking about it since the Castle had made the announcement. The prince is so handsome, so rich, he lives in a big Castle, who cares, Cinderella thought. He clearly sounded as if he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Did he even know what it was like to do actual work? Highly unlikely, she thought to herself. How badly she wanted to get away from her awful stepmother and sisters. Maybe going to the ball wasn’t such a bad idea, although her stepmother would never allow it. She still hadn’t gotten done with the list of chores that she had to do.

Cinderella watched from the entry as the carriage pulled away, set on finishing the chores and then allowing herself a rest with a good book. She hardly had any time to do anything that she liked anymore, not with the constant beckoning from her stepfamily. Just as she was about to turn and go back inside, she saw a little old lady walking up the drive.

Cinderella came out to greet her, “Hello, is there something I can help you with?”

“Why yes dear, could I trouble you for a bit of water? I have travelled very far and am very thirsty.”

When Cinderella returned from the will with some water, the old lady was gone and before her stood a young woman carrying a wand.

“Who are you,” she asked.

“I am your fairy godmother and for your kindness I am going to reward you,” she replied.

“Reward me, how?” Cinderella asked.

“Don’t you want to go to the ball?” the Fairy godmother asked.

Cinderella thought it over, she didn’t really want to meet the Prince, he sounded boring. However, maybe by going to the Ball she would find another eligible suitor that could take her away from this place.

“I would,” Cinderella replied.

The fairy godmother worked her magic, getting Cinderella ready for the ball, all the way down to glass slippers upon her feet. As she was pulling away to the leave, the Fairy godmother stopped her and told her that she was to leave the Ball before the clock chimed midnight.

When she pulled up to the Castle, she was taken back by how big it was. How was she to ever find her way to the Ball, she thought to herself. She climbed the stairs up to the Castle. She felt lost inside, as she wandered the halls. Just as she found the Ball, the clock began to chime, she had already forgotten the Fairy Godmother’s words. At the last strike of the clock, the magic wore off and there she stood in front of everyone, wearing the rags, while all the guests and the Prince laughed.

She ran from the palace, the sounds of their laughter echoing in her ears. She ran as fast as she could, disappearing into the forest.

No one knows what happened to poor Cinderella after she left the Ball. Her stepfamily never saw her again, not that they very much noticed. They ended up moving into the Palace, after Anastasia married the Prince.

Occasionally you will hear stories told by the local crazy about having seen a young maiden in the forest wearing rags for clothes and glass slippers upon her feet, but those are just stores.

I can respect a smart-ass comment, when the moment is warranted and it is funny, but I find now more than ever that people are just being downright crude and mean.

I especially find it unbecoming and unprofessional in work life. We are all there to do a job and if in that job you find that muttering smart-ass comments under your breath, hoping that your employees don’t hear you, is professional…you would be wrong.

In fact, it’s probably the most unprofessional you could be. Who wants to take direction from someone like that? Are we not all adults? Because most of the time, I feel that people are parading around in adult bodies, but act like children.

Honestly, I don’t think it matters where you work, it happens everywhere…from retail to corporate America.

That is not to say that being a smart-ass in certain situations is not warranted, like with your friends or family, but it needs to stay out of the workplace.

So, the next time you feel the need to whisper a smart-ass comment, especially if you are in a position of power, take a step back and maybe keep it to yourself. It doesn’t make your employees respect you, in fact it does the exact opposite.

Have you ever gotten the urge to purge things from your life…people, things that no longer bring you joy or have just been sitting in a closet collecting dust?

The past few weeks I have done just that and honestly it is still a work in progress. I went through so many things…all while taking a trip down memory lane. You would be surprised the stuff you come across when you finally start going through it.

Many items just went to the garbage; others were donated to those that could put it to good use.

I found old poetry that I had written back when I was in my early twenties…man I was full of angst back then. I came across an old Newspaper from an Nsync concert that I attended in 2001; I kept that.

Anyone else have a collection of Birthday Cards? I had so many cards that had been collected over the years. They had come from family, old coworkers, old friends. I kept the ones that still had meaning and got rid of the rest. It is not to say that those cards that were disposed of didn’t hold meaning at one time, it just means that they don’t hold meaning currently and it seemed silly to continue to hold on to them when that was not going to change.

There were CDs and DVDs. I can’t remember the last time I popped a Cd in; cars don’t even come with cd players anymore. On top of DVDs, when nowadays you can just stream everything and own a digital copy if you want to purchase. All of these items just taken up precious space.

It was cathartic to let stuff go, in a way freeing. Freeing myself from things that no longer held space in my life and opening it up to things that truly bring me joy.

Can you pinpoint that moment in time, when you realized that your dreams were never going to come to fruition? I can….it’s a moment that I can’t seem to let go of.

Growing up I always struggled with self-esteem issues. It didn’t help the hurtful words thrown at me, telling me I was ugly, being fluffed off as boys being boys.

In middle school we did this project call Voyage of the Mimi, I loved it minus the dissecting an animal part. During that project, I had made up my mind that I wanted to become a Marine Biologist, move to Florida and work at SeaWorld. I was so excited and told someone, I am going to let that person remain anonymous. Their response still echoing in my mind, they couldn’t see me working with people let alone animals. I was crushed. What I heard in that moment was that I wasn’t good enough and that I would never be good enough. And I have struggled ever since.

Words carry a lot of weight and power…to some degree I understand that I have the power to let it go, but for whatever reason, I can’t.

I have had other dreams over the years, wanting to become a Writer and still do, but no matter if people tell me I am good enough, I don’t feel it. I feel all these years that my life has been stuck in park, while others got to go out and live theirs.

When will it be my turn? When do I get to feel like I accomplished something? When will I feel good enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough? Because right now, I feel none of those things. I feel as though all those BIG dreams that I dreamed, are just that dreams, lost in dreamland.

I recently had some issues with a new computer that I had purchased. Hard lesson to learn, never order a computer off a well know selling app. It is not their fault; however, they have sellers on there that participate in some shady practices.

I had initially tried to work it out with the Manufacturer, the computer was 6 months old, so any issues should have been covered by their manufacturers’ warranty. After much back and forth with them trying to troubleshoot the problem, it was finally brought to my attention that the computers warranty was null and voided. Why do you ask? Because the original seller, had made modifications to it after they purchased.

To say that I was highly irritated by this turn of events and that my blood pressure should have been through the roof, was an understatement. My anger fueled, I made my way back to try and get the issue resolved with the seller.

This did not go as planned, each message with them they stuck to their message of that there was no refunds or returns due to it was past the 30 days.

Now anyone who has owned anything electronic, knows that the issue rarely presents themselves in the first 30 days. Also, this would have been a nonissue, if my manufacturer warranty was still in play, but it wasn’t.

I then had to get the app involved; it took going back and forth with them. I was asked every question under the sun, transferred each time to a different representative or department to handle the situation. I honestly thought there was going to be no resolution. Here I was going to be stuck with a pricey paperweight, collecting dust.

Finally…Victory!! The app gave me a full refund for my inconvenience. All in all I learned a valuable lesson, while the app is good for most things…Electronics is not one of them. There are just too many shady characters in the world, and even if you hope with all hope that they will choose to do the right thing, the fact of the matter is that most will not.

You know the moment you feel like you’re going crazy?? That is what it is like once you enter perimenopause.

In the beginning my symptoms were subtle…like a slight decline in my period. And then over time they become more and more prenounced.

I started forgetting words that a toddler could remember or why I walked into a room in the first place. Hot flashes….more like cold flashes. I for the life of me at most moments am always cold. Like bone chilling cold. It was worse in the winter, to the point I would be wrapped in 3 blankets, have a heating pad on and still be cold. Honestly, there probably could have been a warm body laying on top of me and I still would have not been able to shake the chill. Anger…irritation, used to sit at like a solid 10, now I multiple that by like a 1000. If you think your chewing annoyed me before, imagine what it is like now. Hell, if you breath wrong, I’m secretly plotting your murder in my head and how I am going to get away with it.

Don’t even get me started on sleep. You either have moments where you can’t fall asleep or you fall asleep and are up at what I call the witching hour between 1am and 4am. And it doesn’t know what day it is, like if it’s a weekend and you could sleep in, nor does it care because it is not a care bear. I used to go to bed at 10pm, I now go to bed at 7pm, to offset the lack of sleep I am going to get, like today when I have been up since 1am and will most likely need toothpicks to keep my eyelids open at work.

Now you think…. I can just go to my doctor, and they will tell you….no you’re not crazy, it absolutely is perimenopause….WRONG!! What you are going to get is that yes, that possibly could be a sign of perimenopause. Along with probably 100 other things it could be. They offered medication, if it was to a point where I felt like I just could not deal, I declined.

I have no judgment towards those that need the medication, especially if it allows you to function, but for the most part I am still a semi-functioning adult.

If you have just entered perimenopause, know that you are not alone or crazy. Welcome to the club, grab a broom, we ride at 1am!!!

I have mixed emotions about the many bike rides I went on this summer. I hadn’t been on a bike since I was a kid and most certainly had not ridden the trails.

The scenery was by far my favorite part. Enjoying the fresh air, sun and surrounded by trees. On many of the trails there were moments that you got to see nature at its finest, experiencing the many animals that you don’t get to see, while living the city life.

I clocked over 100 miles on the bike over the course of the summer. And you think I would be proud…in someways I am, but that was clouded in many moments of how I was made to feel on these bike rides.

I already suffer at times with not feeling good enough, fast enough, strong enough. These rides were long, the longest I had ever been on a bike. In many ways, I pushed my body in a way that it had not been pushed before. Most of the rides were 20 miles on terrain that I was unfamiliar with and that made me uncertain of myself. But I trekked on with the knowing that I could say that I accomplished something that I had not done before.

It took me longer than some would think to complete to these miles, most rides were 3 hours long. In my head, I was a new rider, I had not been riding for years, so the sheer fact that I had ridden 20 miles was an accomplishment in itself.

Imagine feeling proud of yourself, only for it to be snatched away, by someone making you feel like you should not take that long to ride 20 miles…your time window should be shorter. How do we determine what it should and shouldn’t take anyone to accomplish anything? Especially if for you it is stepping outside of your comfort zone.

I am not out to train for the Tour de France. I was just a girl out in nature, enjoying the trail and with it getting some healthy movement in.

The other thing about these trails is that in many instances there were bridges, some flat, but many with steep inclines and declines.

I am terrified of heights and the thought of going over them on two wheels only intensified that fear. The first bridge I did was 60 feet up, but flat. Was I scared, absolutely, but I did cross it on the bike. The second two both crossed over roads and had steep inclines and declines. These two factors along with the sound of the traffic, made me freeze. I crossed by bridges, but by walking across, which I will consider a win, because I could have in all honesty turned right back around.

It was in these moments that I was made to feel as if my fear was not rationale or it wasn’t that bad. But maybe it’s not that bad to someone who doesn’t have the fear.

All in all I am proud of the over a 100 miles that I rode, the stepping outside my comfort zone, the crossing bridges even if I was scared and had to get off and walk. I just wish at the end of the day that the accomplishment had been tainted by the feelings of someone else.

It’s that time of year where everyone is making their New Year’s Resolutions..only to break them a week later.  The number one is typically health and fitness, meaning that the gym is packed with new members.

Yesterday was my first day back into the gym after the New Year, upon entering the gym I was smacked in the face with the amount of noise.  It was like high school social hour with the amount of talking and the very thought of taking a step forward made me want to turn right back around and march my happy ass back out, but I didn’t.  I put my big girl panties on and forged foward with full intentions of getting some semblance of a workout.

Listen …I am not there to make friends at the gym.  I am like that girl on the bachelor that has her eye on the prize.  My time that I have is limited to 30-60 minutes to squeeze in after work.  I wish that I could spend hours at the gym but like most I work a 40 hour a week job along with I enjoy food and sleep.

I feel that a lot of people do not follow simple gym etiquette.  We are all there for the same reason to be healthier versions of ourselves.  These are just a few of the things that I take notice of at the gym:

People who do not wipe down the equipment.  Listen you could have gone to the bathroom and didn’t wash your hands, pick your nose or sweated all over that machine like a French whore in church.  Now I am going to go use that machine and come in contact with several of your bodily fluids…that’s gross.  I feel like in those times  I need to be like a stewardess on an airplane directing people that they can find the paper towel and cleaning solutions..here..here and here!!

Then you have the people who hog multiple machines.  I think this is fine if you allow someone else to come in and do a set while you are on another machine, but I can’t tell you how many times I have seen these people tell someone that they are using that machine…no bro you were on the otherside of the gym working those traps, so the least you could do is allow someone to sneak in their sets in between yours.

I commend anyone that goes to the gym, no matter the age.  But there is always those select few that have to make it weird…like the older guys that are eye fucking you from across the room, that are clearly old enough to be your father if not grandfather.  You know the ones..sitting on a machine, barely working up a sweat and grunting out their mating call to anyone who will listen. I turn my headphones up at this point because they clearly were not up loud enough and I may be single but I am not that desparate.

Needless to say none of these nuisances will deter me from going to the gym…because this girls has goals.  Honestly speaking though I will be wiping down all the equipment prior to using it because I really don’t want to take any chances that there is a possibilty that I can get pregnant touching the railing on the stairmaster.