I have navigated the roads of a healthy lifestyle for over 20 years. It has been filled with its ups and downs.

Remember the days when you could eat anything, not exercise and not gain a pound? The joys of being a teenager with a fast metabolism. Then you get older, metabolism slows, you start packing on the pounds and next thing you know you are over 150lbs at only 5ft 2.5inches.

When I looked at myself in the mirror during those times, I hated what I saw. I tried everything I could, from diet fads, exercise programs guaranteed to get results and diet pills, before there was Ozempic. My brain could not seem to comprehend that I hadn’t packed on this weight in a day, therefore it wasn’t going to come off in one.

I developed an unhealthy obsession with the scale. Every time I stepped on it and didn’t see the results I wanted, I spiraled into self-sabotage mode. Stopping all exercise and going back to old eating habits.

I needed to retrain my brain…to not compare my journey to someone else’s. I also needed to stop listening to all that fitness noise that was out there. It can be deafening, with their never miss a Monday and treating fitness as a one size all mentality.

It’s not a one size all, what works for someone else, doesn’t mean it is going to work for me.

When we change the way, we look at things, it has a way of clicking into place. I ditched the scale fully, a few years ago. I don’t deny my body of cravings I might have. I also don’t work out 7 days a week for hours on end. There is no judgement if that is your thing, it’s just not me. And most importantly I stopped beating myself up for every time I missed a workout or gave into a craving.

I focus on healthy habits…I am not looking to meet quotas, just to be the healthiest version of myself.

After much back and forth, I took the plunge and made my first therapy appointment. Leading up to my appointment, I was riddled with a ton of anxiety. Much of it was due to the fact that I had never been to therapy and therefore did not know what to expect.

In our first meeting, my therapist instantly put me at ease. This first meeting was mainly a getting to know me phase, so as to set a plan moving forward of what I hoped to accomplish in our sessions.

We set a plan of once a week for the next four weeks, after that we will re-evaluate to see if we can move to every other week. She let me know that we would move at my pace and what I felt comfortable with, which is great.

I felt hopeful after that first meeting. I am very proud of myself for taking this step, for not talking myself out of it. I feel it will be beneficial to my mental health well-being, to be able to have a sounding board to deal with things from the past as well as currently.

Last year is now in the rear-view mirror and we are now 9 days into the new year. Every year it seems like I make resolutions, only to break them shortly after.

This year I decided to do something a bit different; I made small goals. Things that to me were easily attainable, but also a small pathway to get back to things that I enjoy.

The first goal was to get back into physical fitness, now that is not to say I was a couch potato. I walk to and from work every day and honestly if a place is within walking distance, I’d rather use my legs then get in a vehicle and drive there. I made a goal of 3 workouts a week and as of this first week of January I have stuck to that. I know we are only a week in, but you need to celebrate the little wins.

The second goal was to get back into art, aiming for one tutorial a week. When the pandemic hit, I got this grand idea to pick up a drawing pad and pencil, never having drawn before. I watched art tutorials and learned on my own. It was calming and therapeutic considering what was going on in the World at the time, no different than now, where the World seems to be one giant dumpster fire.

The third was to dedicate Friday mornings to write a blog post…. this is my second for the new year. As well as it pairs nicely with my fourth goal of 5 minutes of writing a day. I used to love writing, especially when I was younger. It was a way to tap into my creative side, as well as be able to express myself, so as to be able to release whatever I was holding onto. I wrote poetry and short stories, with the hopes that maybe one day I’d get published. That dream is still very much alive, and it is never too late to dream big.

My last and final goal was to eat more balanced plant-based meals. I’ve been mainly plant-based for a while; however, I struggle with finding balance. My meals tend to be chaotic, especially towards the end of the day, when I don’t have plan and rarely know what I want to eat. So, the goal is to focus on having a plan of what I want to eat, especially after a long day of working.

These goals are just a path, a path to getting back to what breathes life into me. I am not going to beat myself up, if I am not absolute perfection with meeting them. It is about taking one day at a time and celebrating those little wins along the way.

As of late I have been toying with the idea of starting therapy. Why….well I feel there are a lot of past traumas that still hold me back.

It’s hard to talk about stuff that happened in the past or even currently with those around me. Everyone has their own ideals of what they feel transpired during these times. Are they wrong…am I?

In the moments where I did express my thoughts or my feelings about situations that arose, it was met with anger, it was met with that I was overthinking or that was not what happened. So, I learned to shut down, to not express what I was thinking or how I was feeling when things happened. Which honestly is not healthy, I am entitled to my own feelings and thoughts.

I like to say often that if I truly expressed what I was thinking or feeling at any particular moment, people would not like me very much. I am sick of walking on eggshells with those around me. I’ve been doing it for so long that I feel exhausted most days. Exhausted from keeping up the facade or trying to fade into the background, so as not to be seen.

I want to be seen, I want to be heard, and I want to feel that my thoughts and feelings are valid. If everyone else’s thoughts and feelings are valid, then so are mine.

They say there is always two sides to every story, but in my life in all the instances it seemed like there was only ever one side and it was never mine.

Imagine if most of your life someone always took the other person’s side or their own. How would you feel?

Anyone else feeling like their holiday spirit is waning over the years? I feel with each year my Holiday spirit, gets less and less. I’ve especially felt it this year.

I used to love Christmas, the decorations, the music, the act of giving gifts. Every year the Christmas tree would be put up the day after Thanksgiving. It was my favorite thing to do. This year, I haven’t even put the tree up. Honestly, I am not sure if I will or won’t.

I can remember growing up, we all used to pile in the car as a family and drive around to look at the decorations that people put up, it was especially impressive when you would drive down Jefferson and see all the big houses covered in Christmas lights.

The ugliness that I see in the World over the years during this time has jaded me. It’s the heaviness that presses down on that spirit not allowing it to come to the surface.

Christmastime used to be about coming together and showing common human decency to one another, but I have not seen a lot of that going around. These days people are about being divided and treating others horribly.

We have no idea what another person is going through in life and even if the only thing we can give is smile, maybe that makes all the difference to that person.

My Christmas wish this year is that we all start being a little kinder to one another and maybe in seeing some of that kindness, I will slowly regain some of the Christmas spirit that was lost over the years.

This post is a bit different than previous posts. When I was going through and purging stuff from my life, I came across poetry and some short stories that I had written in the past. I transferred them all to my computer for safe keeping but thought I would share one.

It wasn’t dated, so I have no idea when it was written. I am hoping that in sharing that it will encourage me to do more writing.

Cinderella didn’t want to go to the ball at the Castle. Her stepsisters were so excited. They had not stopped talking about it since the Castle had made the announcement. The prince is so handsome, so rich, he lives in a big Castle, who cares, Cinderella thought. He clearly sounded as if he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Did he even know what it was like to do actual work? Highly unlikely, she thought to herself. How badly she wanted to get away from her awful stepmother and sisters. Maybe going to the ball wasn’t such a bad idea, although her stepmother would never allow it. She still hadn’t gotten done with the list of chores that she had to do.

Cinderella watched from the entry as the carriage pulled away, set on finishing the chores and then allowing herself a rest with a good book. She hardly had any time to do anything that she liked anymore, not with the constant beckoning from her stepfamily. Just as she was about to turn and go back inside, she saw a little old lady walking up the drive.

Cinderella came out to greet her, “Hello, is there something I can help you with?”

“Why yes dear, could I trouble you for a bit of water? I have travelled very far and am very thirsty.”

When Cinderella returned from the will with some water, the old lady was gone and before her stood a young woman carrying a wand.

“Who are you,” she asked.

“I am your fairy godmother and for your kindness I am going to reward you,” she replied.

“Reward me, how?” Cinderella asked.

“Don’t you want to go to the ball?” the Fairy godmother asked.

Cinderella thought it over, she didn’t really want to meet the Prince, he sounded boring. However, maybe by going to the Ball she would find another eligible suitor that could take her away from this place.

“I would,” Cinderella replied.

The fairy godmother worked her magic, getting Cinderella ready for the ball, all the way down to glass slippers upon her feet. As she was pulling away to the leave, the Fairy godmother stopped her and told her that she was to leave the Ball before the clock chimed midnight.

When she pulled up to the Castle, she was taken back by how big it was. How was she to ever find her way to the Ball, she thought to herself. She climbed the stairs up to the Castle. She felt lost inside, as she wandered the halls. Just as she found the Ball, the clock began to chime, she had already forgotten the Fairy Godmother’s words. At the last strike of the clock, the magic wore off and there she stood in front of everyone, wearing the rags, while all the guests and the Prince laughed.

She ran from the palace, the sounds of their laughter echoing in her ears. She ran as fast as she could, disappearing into the forest.

No one knows what happened to poor Cinderella after she left the Ball. Her stepfamily never saw her again, not that they very much noticed. They ended up moving into the Palace, after Anastasia married the Prince.

Occasionally you will hear stories told by the local crazy about having seen a young maiden in the forest wearing rags for clothes and glass slippers upon her feet, but those are just stores.

I can respect a smart-ass comment, when the moment is warranted and it is funny, but I find now more than ever that people are just being downright crude and mean.

I especially find it unbecoming and unprofessional in work life. We are all there to do a job and if in that job you find that muttering smart-ass comments under your breath, hoping that your employees don’t hear you, is professional…you would be wrong.

In fact, it’s probably the most unprofessional you could be. Who wants to take direction from someone like that? Are we not all adults? Because most of the time, I feel that people are parading around in adult bodies, but act like children.

Honestly, I don’t think it matters where you work, it happens everywhere…from retail to corporate America.

That is not to say that being a smart-ass in certain situations is not warranted, like with your friends or family, but it needs to stay out of the workplace.

So, the next time you feel the need to whisper a smart-ass comment, especially if you are in a position of power, take a step back and maybe keep it to yourself. It doesn’t make your employees respect you, in fact it does the exact opposite.

Have you ever gotten the urge to purge things from your life…people, things that no longer bring you joy or have just been sitting in a closet collecting dust?

The past few weeks I have done just that and honestly it is still a work in progress. I went through so many things…all while taking a trip down memory lane. You would be surprised the stuff you come across when you finally start going through it.

Many items just went to the garbage; others were donated to those that could put it to good use.

I found old poetry that I had written back when I was in my early twenties…man I was full of angst back then. I came across an old Newspaper from an Nsync concert that I attended in 2001; I kept that.

Anyone else have a collection of Birthday Cards? I had so many cards that had been collected over the years. They had come from family, old coworkers, old friends. I kept the ones that still had meaning and got rid of the rest. It is not to say that those cards that were disposed of didn’t hold meaning at one time, it just means that they don’t hold meaning currently and it seemed silly to continue to hold on to them when that was not going to change.

There were CDs and DVDs. I can’t remember the last time I popped a Cd in; cars don’t even come with cd players anymore. On top of DVDs, when nowadays you can just stream everything and own a digital copy if you want to purchase. All of these items just taken up precious space.

It was cathartic to let stuff go, in a way freeing. Freeing myself from things that no longer held space in my life and opening it up to things that truly bring me joy.

Can you pinpoint that moment in time, when you realized that your dreams were never going to come to fruition? I can….it’s a moment that I can’t seem to let go of.

Growing up I always struggled with self-esteem issues. It didn’t help the hurtful words thrown at me, telling me I was ugly, being fluffed off as boys being boys.

In middle school we did this project call Voyage of the Mimi, I loved it minus the dissecting an animal part. During that project, I had made up my mind that I wanted to become a Marine Biologist, move to Florida and work at SeaWorld. I was so excited and told someone, I am going to let that person remain anonymous. Their response still echoing in my mind, they couldn’t see me working with people let alone animals. I was crushed. What I heard in that moment was that I wasn’t good enough and that I would never be good enough. And I have struggled ever since.

Words carry a lot of weight and power…to some degree I understand that I have the power to let it go, but for whatever reason, I can’t.

I have had other dreams over the years, wanting to become a Writer and still do, but no matter if people tell me I am good enough, I don’t feel it. I feel all these years that my life has been stuck in park, while others got to go out and live theirs.

When will it be my turn? When do I get to feel like I accomplished something? When will I feel good enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough? Because right now, I feel none of those things. I feel as though all those BIG dreams that I dreamed, are just that dreams, lost in dreamland.

I recently had some issues with a new computer that I had purchased. Hard lesson to learn, never order a computer off a well know selling app. It is not their fault; however, they have sellers on there that participate in some shady practices.

I had initially tried to work it out with the Manufacturer, the computer was 6 months old, so any issues should have been covered by their manufacturers’ warranty. After much back and forth with them trying to troubleshoot the problem, it was finally brought to my attention that the computers warranty was null and voided. Why do you ask? Because the original seller, had made modifications to it after they purchased.

To say that I was highly irritated by this turn of events and that my blood pressure should have been through the roof, was an understatement. My anger fueled, I made my way back to try and get the issue resolved with the seller.

This did not go as planned, each message with them they stuck to their message of that there was no refunds or returns due to it was past the 30 days.

Now anyone who has owned anything electronic, knows that the issue rarely presents themselves in the first 30 days. Also, this would have been a nonissue, if my manufacturer warranty was still in play, but it wasn’t.

I then had to get the app involved; it took going back and forth with them. I was asked every question under the sun, transferred each time to a different representative or department to handle the situation. I honestly thought there was going to be no resolution. Here I was going to be stuck with a pricey paperweight, collecting dust.

Finally…Victory!! The app gave me a full refund for my inconvenience. All in all I learned a valuable lesson, while the app is good for most things…Electronics is not one of them. There are just too many shady characters in the world, and even if you hope with all hope that they will choose to do the right thing, the fact of the matter is that most will not.