I am going to be extremely frank…I am not at all interested in dating. That transpired over the last year or so, where my general interest in dating just stopped.

Obviously, you don’t meet people in the same ways as you did before, like leaving your house. These days it’s mainly dating sites like Hinge or even Facebook. My experience with dating sites has been less than stellar over the years.

It always starts out promising with good conversation and then you give them your phone number and that is when it all starts to go downhill. All of a sudden, their freak flag flies. Not to say I have not had some crazies right out the gate, that were instantly deleted.

How hard is it to have normal conversations? I once had a guy tell me that he didn’t use condoms. This was someone I was just talking to, we had never discussed sex, and we had not even met. We were not at that point and here I am receiving a text message regarding condom use.

There is also the lying on dating profiles. I always say that anyone can sound good on paper, including myself, until you meet them. The number one lie that I run across is how tall the guy is. Listen we all have preferences when it comes to dating, whether it be height, eye color, hair, etc. While I have gone out with guys that are shorter than my preference of 5″10, it doesn’t do it for me. But if you start with you are 6″ tall and I meet you and I am looking you dead in the eyeballs with no heels at my 5″2.5, it’s very off putting.

You have the messages that look like they put no effort into, with just a “hey.” If you are online dating and you message someone, read the person’s profile, pick something out that you saw and ask them about it. Is it so hard to put the effort in when we are interested?

I think that if you are doing the online dating thing, that your profile should be honest. But I just find that with anything that is online these days, it’s easy to hide behind a computer screen and not be the truest form of yourself or in some cases maybe you are. In the digital age it is easier to be freer with your words when you are not face to face with a person, but that doesn’t mean you have to be crude.

Learning a language at 43 is hard. When I decided to tackle learning Spanish, my thought was that seeing that I took it like a 100 years ago, when I was in High School, that it would be like riding a bicycle and I would recall what I had learned all those years ago. I was wrong…lol.

While I do remember some phrases and words from before, it’s definitely not like riding a bicycle. Conjugating verbs is still hard, trying to remember when verses when you should not conjugate them, gets so confusing.

And don’t even get me started on pronunciation. Words I think I pronounce correctly, Babble is sure to put me in my place and tell me I am wrong.

But I am still here trucking a long, 19 days strong on my Babble streak. I don’t plan to give up and hopefully at some point I can carry out a conversation, read an article or watch a movie in Spanish with little to no reading the subtitles at the bottom of the screen.

I recently watched the documentary “Fit for TV: The Reality of The Biggest Loser,” and it reinforced even more how toxic diet culture is. I grew up surrounded by the Biggest Loser, Beachbody and all the weight-loss pills that were constantly being shoved in your face.

Back then how they advertised was early morning informercials. They were on at times when people were the most vulnerable and more likely to be sucked into making rash decisions. Hell, even I bought into a lot of what these companies were selling at the time.

I had the Beachbody DVD sets, bought new programs when they came out. I had the Biggest Loser cookbooks and their workout DVDs. Back when you thought a workout program or a particular diet was going to change your life. And that is not to say that it couldn’t, but these companies knew what they were doing. It was a mass marketing scheme, that worked at that time.

It brings me back to the Biggest Loser, I can remember watching the show back then, seeing these contestants, and think wow, look at all the weight that the lost. You were mesmerized by it all, but when you watch the documentary, you realize that in all honesty they were not being taught anything. Their participation on the show was for ratings. And if we are being completely honest…. if you dangle a 250K carrot in front of someone’s face, what do you think their motivation is? Because it’s no longer about losing weight and getting healthy, it’s about losing the most weight, so I can win that money. Money then becomes this huge motivational factor.

A lot of these contestants had gained if not all, but most of the weight that they had lost from their time on the show. They had not been taught about proper diet and exercise, how to maintain that once they left the show. Ultimately, while some may have won the prize, they were the loser in the end because it set them up for failure.

It’s why diet culture is so toxic. In order to achieve this, you have to do that, a one size fits all approach. There are always new drugs or products on the market, aimed at helping you achieve those results and people still buy into it because they are looking for that quick fix.

Imagine if we swapped the word diet for lifestyle, how that would change our perspective on what was possible. How we would be less likely to subscribe to the noise telling us that we are doing it wrong. When in actuality we are doing it right, making small changes that carry us into the long run, not just the right now.

I am currently reading “The Happy Ever After Playlist,” by Abby Jimenez. It was a recommendation at the used bookstore that I frequent, when I was on the hunt for books by Emily Henry. She stated that her writing style was similar.

I am not done with the book; these days it takes me so much longer than it used to finish books. It’s not even that I don’t like it, it’s that my attention span tends to wane in the middle of reading, so I put it down and it may take me days before I pick it up again.

What I will say is that I disagree with the bookstore, that Abby Jimenez’s writing is a similar style to Emily Henry. If you have ever read any of Emily Henry’s books, then you know what I mean. She has a style of writing that is smart and funny. And by funny, I mean laugh out loud funny. I had never read a book that actually made me laugh out loud, until I started reading her books.

I also love how Emily Henry puts the unlikeliest of people together, people who don’t like each other, ex-lovers, unlikely friends. The conversations among characters are real, conversations that you would have with your own friends.

While Abby Jimenez’s writing is not similar to Emily Henry, she is still a good writer. Her book deals with more deeper-rooted issues, and while there are times that there is humor, it is not that laugh out loud laughter I get from Emily Henry.

Let me know your thoughts on whether or not you agree or disagree. Also, I am always looking for new books to ready, so feel free to drop those in the comments.

Since starting therapy, I have been trying to make a shift. A shift in how I react, how I approach things. I spent most of my life sweeping things under the rug, never addressing the elephant in the room. Walking away from arguments to save face…being silent, just so it would go away.

But in reality, it never goes away…it boils and festers until eventually it pops and you lose complete control. Why should I have to stay silent? So, others cannot see the flaws in themselves and the vicious cycle continues.

What purpose does that serve? It certainly does not serve me, because all it adds is additional stress that I do not need and more to the years of resentment that has built up.

Do I think that these people who continue down this path are bad people…no. Do I think that they are doing the best that they can….most of the time yes. But if we are unable to have open, honest communication, then in all honesty we will never truly find resolution.

The cycle will continue. It forces me to stuff my feelings in a box, to keep silent and I am sick of silence.

I was told countless times growing up that I needed to grow a spine, but funny when I try and speak up, I am instantly forced to shut up.

In little ways I have found my voice, in ways that I can control. I spoke up at work for something that I wanted, so as to put it in motion, but also so that they knew I wanted it.

If I have learned anything in therapy, I can only control me, my reactions, my tone in how I speak. I have no control over how others react, so for now my best option is to stay silent…maybe from my silence those that try to stifle my voice will learn to give me the opportunity to speak.

No… seems like a simple word, a word that should easily roll off the tongue. However. for me it is not easily uttered. I have spent most of my life being a people pleaser.

I got one of my first assignments from my therapist this week, to say no to one person in my home. Seems like a simple task, but for me it is a challenge. Most of my life I was made to feel like the bad guy every time I uttered the word no. The person that that no was directed toward would use the power of manipulation to make me feel guilty for uttering it in the first place.

Each time the tactic worked, I doubted myself, was I right in telling them no? That self-doubt turned into me giving into their demands. It was a vicious cycle that continually happened. I wanted to please those around me, but at what expense?

The expense was myself, always doubting, but also no boundaries in place for those around me. No, is not a bad word. It sets boundaries for those in our life, letting them know what we are and not willing to do. No is also a complete sentence and does not require further explanation as to your reasons why. It should absolutely be accepted at face value.

Will I pass or fail this task? Only time will tell. All I know is that I am up for the challenge of setting more boundaries in my life for those around me.

I have navigated the roads of a healthy lifestyle for over 20 years. It has been filled with its ups and downs.

Remember the days when you could eat anything, not exercise and not gain a pound? The joys of being a teenager with a fast metabolism. Then you get older, metabolism slows, you start packing on the pounds and next thing you know you are over 150lbs at only 5ft 2.5inches.

When I looked at myself in the mirror during those times, I hated what I saw. I tried everything I could, from diet fads, exercise programs guaranteed to get results and diet pills, before there was Ozempic. My brain could not seem to comprehend that I hadn’t packed on this weight in a day, therefore it wasn’t going to come off in one.

I developed an unhealthy obsession with the scale. Every time I stepped on it and didn’t see the results I wanted, I spiraled into self-sabotage mode. Stopping all exercise and going back to old eating habits.

I needed to retrain my brain…to not compare my journey to someone else’s. I also needed to stop listening to all that fitness noise that was out there. It can be deafening, with their never miss a Monday and treating fitness as a one size all mentality.

It’s not a one size all, what works for someone else, doesn’t mean it is going to work for me.

When we change the way, we look at things, it has a way of clicking into place. I ditched the scale fully, a few years ago. I don’t deny my body of cravings I might have. I also don’t work out 7 days a week for hours on end. There is no judgement if that is your thing, it’s just not me. And most importantly I stopped beating myself up for every time I missed a workout or gave into a craving.

I focus on healthy habits…I am not looking to meet quotas, just to be the healthiest version of myself.

After much back and forth, I took the plunge and made my first therapy appointment. Leading up to my appointment, I was riddled with a ton of anxiety. Much of it was due to the fact that I had never been to therapy and therefore did not know what to expect.

In our first meeting, my therapist instantly put me at ease. This first meeting was mainly a getting to know me phase, so as to set a plan moving forward of what I hoped to accomplish in our sessions.

We set a plan of once a week for the next four weeks, after that we will re-evaluate to see if we can move to every other week. She let me know that we would move at my pace and what I felt comfortable with, which is great.

I felt hopeful after that first meeting. I am very proud of myself for taking this step, for not talking myself out of it. I feel it will be beneficial to my mental health well-being, to be able to have a sounding board to deal with things from the past as well as currently.

Last year is now in the rear-view mirror and we are now 9 days into the new year. Every year it seems like I make resolutions, only to break them shortly after.

This year I decided to do something a bit different; I made small goals. Things that to me were easily attainable, but also a small pathway to get back to things that I enjoy.

The first goal was to get back into physical fitness, now that is not to say I was a couch potato. I walk to and from work every day and honestly if a place is within walking distance, I’d rather use my legs then get in a vehicle and drive there. I made a goal of 3 workouts a week and as of this first week of January I have stuck to that. I know we are only a week in, but you need to celebrate the little wins.

The second goal was to get back into art, aiming for one tutorial a week. When the pandemic hit, I got this grand idea to pick up a drawing pad and pencil, never having drawn before. I watched art tutorials and learned on my own. It was calming and therapeutic considering what was going on in the World at the time, no different than now, where the World seems to be one giant dumpster fire.

The third was to dedicate Friday mornings to write a blog post…. this is my second for the new year. As well as it pairs nicely with my fourth goal of 5 minutes of writing a day. I used to love writing, especially when I was younger. It was a way to tap into my creative side, as well as be able to express myself, so as to be able to release whatever I was holding onto. I wrote poetry and short stories, with the hopes that maybe one day I’d get published. That dream is still very much alive, and it is never too late to dream big.

My last and final goal was to eat more balanced plant-based meals. I’ve been mainly plant-based for a while; however, I struggle with finding balance. My meals tend to be chaotic, especially towards the end of the day, when I don’t have plan and rarely know what I want to eat. So, the goal is to focus on having a plan of what I want to eat, especially after a long day of working.

These goals are just a path, a path to getting back to what breathes life into me. I am not going to beat myself up, if I am not absolute perfection with meeting them. It is about taking one day at a time and celebrating those little wins along the way.

As of late I have been toying with the idea of starting therapy. Why….well I feel there are a lot of past traumas that still hold me back.

It’s hard to talk about stuff that happened in the past or even currently with those around me. Everyone has their own ideals of what they feel transpired during these times. Are they wrong…am I?

In the moments where I did express my thoughts or my feelings about situations that arose, it was met with anger, it was met with that I was overthinking or that was not what happened. So, I learned to shut down, to not express what I was thinking or how I was feeling when things happened. Which honestly is not healthy, I am entitled to my own feelings and thoughts.

I like to say often that if I truly expressed what I was thinking or feeling at any particular moment, people would not like me very much. I am sick of walking on eggshells with those around me. I’ve been doing it for so long that I feel exhausted most days. Exhausted from keeping up the facade or trying to fade into the background, so as not to be seen.

I want to be seen, I want to be heard, and I want to feel that my thoughts and feelings are valid. If everyone else’s thoughts and feelings are valid, then so are mine.

They say there is always two sides to every story, but in my life in all the instances it seemed like there was only ever one side and it was never mine.

Imagine if most of your life someone always took the other person’s side or their own. How would you feel?