You know the moment you feel like you’re going crazy?? That is what it is like once you enter perimenopause.

In the beginning my symptoms were subtle…like a slight decline in my period. And then over time they become more and more prenounced.

I started forgetting words that a toddler could remember or why I walked into a room in the first place. Hot flashes….more like cold flashes. I for the life of me at most moments am always cold. Like bone chilling cold. It was worse in the winter, to the point I would be wrapped in 3 blankets, have a heating pad on and still be cold. Honestly, there probably could have been a warm body laying on top of me and I still would have not been able to shake the chill. Anger…irritation, used to sit at like a solid 10, now I multiple that by like a 1000. If you think your chewing annoyed me before, imagine what it is like now. Hell, if you breath wrong, I’m secretly plotting your murder in my head and how I am going to get away with it.

Don’t even get me started on sleep. You either have moments where you can’t fall asleep or you fall asleep and are up at what I call the witching hour between 1am and 4am. And it doesn’t know what day it is, like if it’s a weekend and you could sleep in, nor does it care because it is not a care bear. I used to go to bed at 10pm, I now go to bed at 7pm, to offset the lack of sleep I am going to get, like today when I have been up since 1am and will most likely need toothpicks to keep my eyelids open at work.

Now you think…. I can just go to my doctor, and they will tell you….no you’re not crazy, it absolutely is perimenopause….WRONG!! What you are going to get is that yes, that possibly could be a sign of perimenopause. Along with probably 100 other things it could be. They offered medication, if it was to a point where I felt like I just could not deal, I declined.

I have no judgment towards those that need the medication, especially if it allows you to function, but for the most part I am still a semi-functioning adult.

If you have just entered perimenopause, know that you are not alone or crazy. Welcome to the club, grab a broom, we ride at 1am!!!

I have mixed emotions about the many bike rides I went on this summer. I hadn’t been on a bike since I was a kid and most certainly had not ridden the trails.

The scenery was by far my favorite part. Enjoying the fresh air, sun and surrounded by trees. On many of the trails there were moments that you got to see nature at its finest, experiencing the many animals that you don’t get to see, while living the city life.

I clocked over 100 miles on the bike over the course of the summer. And you think I would be proud…in someways I am, but that was clouded in many moments of how I was made to feel on these bike rides.

I already suffer at times with not feeling good enough, fast enough, strong enough. These rides were long, the longest I had ever been on a bike. In many ways, I pushed my body in a way that it had not been pushed before. Most of the rides were 20 miles on terrain that I was unfamiliar with and that made me uncertain of myself. But I trekked on with the knowing that I could say that I accomplished something that I had not done before.

It took me longer than some would think to complete to these miles, most rides were 3 hours long. In my head, I was a new rider, I had not been riding for years, so the sheer fact that I had ridden 20 miles was an accomplishment in itself.

Imagine feeling proud of yourself, only for it to be snatched away, by someone making you feel like you should not take that long to ride 20 miles…your time window should be shorter. How do we determine what it should and shouldn’t take anyone to accomplish anything? Especially if for you it is stepping outside of your comfort zone.

I am not out to train for the Tour de France. I was just a girl out in nature, enjoying the trail and with it getting some healthy movement in.

The other thing about these trails is that in many instances there were bridges, some flat, but many with steep inclines and declines.

I am terrified of heights and the thought of going over them on two wheels only intensified that fear. The first bridge I did was 60 feet up, but flat. Was I scared, absolutely, but I did cross it on the bike. The second two both crossed over roads and had steep inclines and declines. These two factors along with the sound of the traffic, made me freeze. I crossed by bridges, but by walking across, which I will consider a win, because I could have in all honesty turned right back around.

It was in these moments that I was made to feel as if my fear was not rationale or it wasn’t that bad. But maybe it’s not that bad to someone who doesn’t have the fear.

All in all I am proud of the over a 100 miles that I rode, the stepping outside my comfort zone, the crossing bridges even if I was scared and had to get off and walk. I just wish at the end of the day that the accomplishment had been tainted by the feelings of someone else.

It’s that time of year where everyone is making their New Year’s Resolutions..only to break them a week later.  The number one is typically health and fitness, meaning that the gym is packed with new members.

Yesterday was my first day back into the gym after the New Year, upon entering the gym I was smacked in the face with the amount of noise.  It was like high school social hour with the amount of talking and the very thought of taking a step forward made me want to turn right back around and march my happy ass back out, but I didn’t.  I put my big girl panties on and forged foward with full intentions of getting some semblance of a workout.

Listen …I am not there to make friends at the gym.  I am like that girl on the bachelor that has her eye on the prize.  My time that I have is limited to 30-60 minutes to squeeze in after work.  I wish that I could spend hours at the gym but like most I work a 40 hour a week job along with I enjoy food and sleep.

I feel that a lot of people do not follow simple gym etiquette.  We are all there for the same reason to be healthier versions of ourselves.  These are just a few of the things that I take notice of at the gym:

People who do not wipe down the equipment.  Listen you could have gone to the bathroom and didn’t wash your hands, pick your nose or sweated all over that machine like a French whore in church.  Now I am going to go use that machine and come in contact with several of your bodily fluids…that’s gross.  I feel like in those times  I need to be like a stewardess on an airplane directing people that they can find the paper towel and cleaning solutions..here..here and here!!

Then you have the people who hog multiple machines.  I think this is fine if you allow someone else to come in and do a set while you are on another machine, but I can’t tell you how many times I have seen these people tell someone that they are using that machine…no bro you were on the otherside of the gym working those traps, so the least you could do is allow someone to sneak in their sets in between yours.

I commend anyone that goes to the gym, no matter the age.  But there is always those select few that have to make it weird…like the older guys that are eye fucking you from across the room, that are clearly old enough to be your father if not grandfather.  You know the ones..sitting on a machine, barely working up a sweat and grunting out their mating call to anyone who will listen. I turn my headphones up at this point because they clearly were not up loud enough and I may be single but I am not that desparate.

Needless to say none of these nuisances will deter me from going to the gym…because this girls has goals.  Honestly speaking though I will be wiping down all the equipment prior to using it because I really don’t want to take any chances that there is a possibilty that I can get pregnant touching the railing on the stairmaster.

“Self love is the Greatest Middle Finger of all Time,” Author Unknown

As I sit here contemplating the changes that I would like to make in the New Year, my thoughts center on one, self love.  I have suffered most of my life of feelings of inadequacy, never being good enough, pretty enough or just enough in general.  I’ve come to realize that needs to stop…instead of trying to measure up to others expectations of me I need to live up to my own.

In school I was bullied..made fun of for the clothes that I wore and even my last name.  You may think that those are just words but in all honesty words hold a lot of power.  They hold the power to break us down and make us feel small.  There was one exchange of words that held the most power and what I feel started me on my downward spiral of not loving myself.

When I was in middle school we had this project called the Voyage of the Mimi.  It was during this time that I had decided that I wanted to be a Marine Biologist, work at SeaWorld and attend the University of Florida.  I can still remember the excitement that I had in that moment as a young teenager realizing a dream.  I remember when I confided in someone that I thought would support me in anything that I did.  The words that came out of their mouth still haunt me today.  They looked at me and said that they didn’t see me working with animals, let alone people.  I was crushed, as a teenager what I heard was that I wasn’t good enough and that I would never be good enough.  Those very words affected every aspect of my life….relationships and jobs that I have held throughout the years.

But it’s time to let go in 2020…time to let go of the words that have held so much power for so many years and to begin to love myself.  So I begin this year with a new mantra….I am good enough…I am pretty enough…and even if others don’t I have enough love for myself.